The other day I got the opportunity to inhale, then, exhale. It felt so good; then I thought geez a wet mouth and a booty rub would be nice right now. A male suitor present to laugh with, talk to, eat good food with, serve a biological plate to and send him home would be nice on occasions. My next thought was “damn, whole time, that’s what a boyfriend was for.” Then, it dawned on me I had been giving my past”boyfriends” the husband treatment.
Boyfriend-noun|a regular male companion with whom one has a romantic or sexual relationship–Synonyms: sweetheart, suitor
Husband-noun|a married man considered in relation to his spouse–Synonyms: life partner, helpmate
According to the definition above a boyfriend is a REGULAR male companion. Let’s break this definition down even further. Regular–meaning done or happening frequently. He is not necessarily definite or long term–just frequent. It turns out I had been dating wrong this entire time. I am typically quick to jump into a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship thinking it would be forever. Thinking that I was supposed to cook, clean behind, have adult sleep overs, by special gifts, temporarily shack up (I hope my grandma isn’t reading, she’d kill me if she knew the trouble I’ve seen), and physically submit myself because I thought that was the expectation. Not only did I drain myself performing all of these “wifely” duties prematurely but also I was doing them for boys who had not proved themselves worthy of this good thing. The bible says a man who finds a wife finds a good thing because it shows he is favored by God, but God did not say anything about giving the milk away for free (Proverbs 18:22). Kendrick nor Drake dick ain’t free and neither is my husband treatment, for one must be worthy and divinely assigned in order to gain this favor. My past behavior not only led me to question the value of relationships all together but also it took a lot out of me, kept me from learning myself, and a few years of single freedom. Furthermore, the bigger issue with working as a wife with no promise, was that I had not known myself enough. I didn’t know what my needs were, so I didn’t know what expectations to set in order to have my needs and desires met. As a result, I only worked to fulfill the needs of my past partners. I had put myself on the back burner to work for something that was not guaranteed or necessary at the time. In addition, what could have proved to be healthy relationships never grew naturally because of the rushed behavior. I did not know any better then, but now that I do know better, I am definitely doing better.
Break it down, B:
The key to growth and evolution is reflection. Reflection is vital to become the best version of yourself. It requires you to take a look at yourself and the mistakes that have been made in an effort to learn and grow. Otherwise you are stifling your healing and growth. So I’ll admit, I had been doing relationships very wrong in the past. I was left with scars from men that I had given a lot of time, commitment, and wifely duties to receive nothing but heartbreak in return. I had been caught in the delusion of thinking that if I proved myself now by showering him with all my love, energy, time, and commitment then for sure he would love me for the long run. BOY, was I wrong. Turns out, according to these wonderful male friends I have, real men like a challenge. Real men like to take things slow. They want to learn you spiritually first. Real men like to work for their prize otherwise it is not a prize. Instead it is the free shampoo and conditioner left in a hotel–just there without true value because boys get comfortable and complacent when things come with ease. My advice is this: give some samples of the milk, and save the mystery and the best nurturing, loving, freaky, cheffing parts of yourself for after the ring AND the date AND the promise at the alter in front of your parents and the Lord so you know its real.
After all, the idea of a husband and white picket fence is nice, but what is our reality? What is God calling you to do right now? The woman’s American dream might not be it. It will come later, after God has had his season(s) of evolving you and you have had your season(s) of learning and owning yourself. Happily married women I know have told me, their husband’s found them when they were not even paying attention to their dating life. There’s the proof, so do you boo-boo. Follow the Lord and your desires will come(psalm 37:4).
Lastly, with my new mindset about life, I’m learning to put my needs and desires first. In the space I am currently in, I do not have the time or extra energy to embark on anything serious. Yet, the desire for companionship still pops up every now and again, so I have decided to take things slow. I go on dates if the opportunity arises because I love to eat and take a break from teaching, grad school, and creative work, so why not. Other than that I enjoy spending my time journaling, reading, working on myself and even better working diligently to improve my relationship with God while s/he guides me to my purpose. Most days that self-evolving-empire-building work is more satisfying than any temporary gratification I have experienced before. I have to remind myself that my life is golden and not everyone is worthy or ready to participate is such glory (honk-honk). Take life one day at a time, what is for you will be, and it will be more beautiful and effortless than you could ever imagine because GOD has your best interest at heart.
- Learning and growing includes evolving your mindset.
- Technically, you are single until you are married.
- Convenience is not a part of God’s plan.
Say: I’m living my life likes its golden because it is.
“Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” – Albert Einstein
Salute: Flip the perspective. DAB on em. Enjoy.
be light. Work your talents. Together we can spark a light pandemic.