I’m studying heathy partnerships y’all. Why? Well one because growing up I did not really see them. Two: I want to break my family curse. Three: I want my future children to grow up in a two parent functional home. On the contrary, I realized that because a healthy partnership is my goal, I have to get my own self together. So, in my singleness, I have learned the value of love by simply learning to love and nurture myself. In this time, I have also learned it is imperative to enjoy my alone time.
alone– adjective & adverb| having no one else present; on one’s own.
lonely– adjective |sad because one has no friends or company.
First, I want to begin my testimony by saying, fuck dat bitch loneliness because she ain’t never done anything for me, but lead me to clowns wearing false gold crowns and fast food beef burgers. I got a few good poems out of it, but still loneliness can kiss my ass because no one needs that sorrow haunting them like bills. Anyway, I’ve always been an eagle in the sense that I enjoy flying alone. I’ve never liked to be around a lot of people. Large crowds actually terrify me. On the contrary, the human-flesh me, craved and craves companionship. However, in my past feigning for companionship led me down some wrong roads. It led me to many relationships based solely on the fear of being not having someone around as well as the fear of confronting my own wounds. In those moments, I lost a lot of time. My dignity in some cases was air dried and withered to nothingness because my focus was off and my self-worth was non-existent. I used to be a weak bitch–I’m not gonna lie. I missed out on some personal growth time because the human-flesh me wanted to have someone around by any means necessary, and that was sad. That type of desperate longing was dangerous because it controlled me and the relationships that sprang from that fear were always dysfunctional and unhealthy.
In the latter half of #wtf2016, I met with a psychic (don’t sleep on the intuitive) and he left me with a quote that resinates heavily on my heart, “a healthy relationship is two whole people walking their own paths, together.(Odd Duck)” See, the thing is, one cannot be whole until he or she is comfortable in their own alone skin.
Break it down, B:
BUT, all is not lost ladies…and gents too. So I had to think, what is it that I would like a boyfriend for. Think about that. See the biggest..okay..one of the biggest things would probably be going out and doing things right? Or Making me feel good about myself. Right? Nah, Wrong. Here’s the gotcha: you can take yourself out. I do, quite often. I will and have beat my face to capacity, put on a nice, thoughtful outfit, and take myself to eat, movies, skating, park, or where ever I please. I’m free to do whatever I want, whenever I want (one of the treasures of single-hood). Ultimately, you are not alone because spirit, the creator and/or God, as well as the ancestors are aboard.(Deuteronomy 31:6)
In addition, no one should have the power to make you feel “better” about yourself. Self-confidence is a passion that comes from within, asking someone else to make you feel better about yourself is a disaster. We can’t go through life expecting validation from another being. What happens if they leave? Do you go without confidence for the rest of your life? No can do. In my experience, I have learned confidence is a reflection of how much I love and embrace myself, flaws and all. Sometimes I look in the mirror after the shower, after I have applied my shea butter — looking all glossy, and just say to myself, “damn yous a bad maama Jamma.” Granted, it took me a year of detoxing in my singleness and gruesome battles with self-doubt to get to that point, yet this new space is peaceful and erotic at the same, same time. The point is, we have to validate ourselves, and doing so will require you learn to be comfortable in solitude.
After all, personal time with God and yourself is very important. In this time you learn more about yourself as well as how to strengthen your relationship with God. You learn your strengths and weaknesses. You have the time to reflect on the areas of which you need to grow. You also get the time to learn what you like and do not like–in a man, friends, relationships, life. During your alone time you can jack up recipes and find your signatures, learn new things, like how to twerk, sexy dance, and be strong. You are also afforded the room to grow into your whole-ness without distraction.
With all that said, quit your frettin’ bruh. Singleness is a blessing. The Friday before last, I was determined to take myself on a date, for I had not been in a long time. I had hoped myself brought myself some flowers, but she paid for the popcorn, so I was okay, but I digress. I had done an excellent job on my make-up for like the first time ever, went to eat–enjoyed the meal, and watched “Hidden Figures”(Everyone should go see it by the way. It is an awesome womanist flick. I laugh. I cried. I walked out inspired and prepared to change the world.) I had a great time. NO muss, NO fuss, good, clean, whole fun.
- Can’t nobody love you if you don’t love yourself.
- You can’t love nobody if you don’t love yourself.
- “You’re beautiful. I just want you to know. “
“But many of us seek community solely to escape the fear of being alone. Knowing how to be solitary is central to the art of loving. When we can be alone, we can be with others without using them as a means of escape.” -bell hooks
Say: I am enough.
Salute: Date night song of choice
be light. Work your talents. Together we can spark a light pandemic.